Humor Quotes and Messages

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.

My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.

Housekeeping is like being caught in a revolving door.

Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

When my kids become wild and unruly, I use a nice, safe playpen. When they’re finished, I climb out.

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

Never do anything out of hunger. Not even eating.

A good laugh makes any interview, or any conversation, so much better.

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.

Humor is one of the best ingredients of survival.

Humor is the weapon of unarmed people: it helps people who are oppressed to smile at the situation that pains them.

To call you stupid would be an insult to stupid people!

Humor can alter any situation and help us cope at the very instant we are laughing.

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

Accept who you are. Unless you’re a serial killer.

There is one word that describes people that don't like me: Irrelevant.

A day without laughter is a day wasted.

Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

I remember it like it was yesterday. Of course, I don’t really remember yesterday all that well.

I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.

You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance.

I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.

Humor is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue.