Mitch Hedberg Quotes, Thoughts and images

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

Is a hippopotamus or just a really cool Optimus?

I find a duck's opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

Sometimes I get really lonely. Especially when I'm throwing a Frisbee.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves.

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

Why are there no "during" pictures?

A burrito is a sleeping bag for ground beef.