Phyllis Diller Quotes, Thoughts and images

You know you're old when someone compliments you on your alligator shoes, and you're barefoot.

If you don't have wrinkles, you haven't laughed enough.

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.

The only thing my husband and I have in common is that we were married on the same day.

My body's in such bad shape I wear prescription underwear.

I was the world's ugliest baby. When I was born, the doctor slapped everybody.

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

I serve dinner in three phases: serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead.

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.

The best contraceptive for old people is nudity.

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.

I will never give up. I am in my 14th year of a 10-day beauty plan.

Do not taste food while you're cooking. You may lose your nerve to serve it.

You know you're old when your walker has an airbag.

I once wore a peekaboo blouse. People would peek and then they’d boo.

My husband is so cheap. On Christmas Eve, he fires one shot and tells the kids Santa committed suicide.

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.

Doctors say it's okay to have sex after a heart attack, provided you close the ambulance door.

My idea of exercise is a good brisk sit.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.

Remarrying a husband you've divorced is like having your appendix put back in.

Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.

I have so many liver spots, I ought to come with a side of onions.

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

I like to serve chocolate cake because it doesn't show the dirt.