Woody Allen Quotes, Thoughts and images

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm giving [my analyst] one more year--then I'm going to Lourdes.

In my next life I want to live backwards. Start out dead and finish off as an orgasm.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

I am not afraid of death. I just don't want to be there when it happens.

A man that has never lied to a woman has no respect for her feelings.

I'm really a timid person - I was beaten up by Quakers

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

I don't know what I'm doing, but my incompetence has never stopped my enthusiasm.

Who's the bigger idiot, the idiot or the idiot who gets fooled by the idiot?

My relationship with death remains the same - I'm strongly against it.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I had an IQ test. The results came back negative.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Existence for eternity could get a little boring... especially towards the end.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

My luck is getting worse and worse. Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.

The difference between sex and death is, death you can do alone and nobody laughs at you.

I don't know what I want, but I know what I don't want

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

If you take a frown and turn it upside down, the person you are holding by the ankles will soon pass out.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

The last time I was inside a woman was when I went to the Statue of Liberty.

Paranoia is knowing all the facts.