Groucho Marx Quotes

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Patience is the art of finding something else to do.

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now.

Before you speak, make certain you have something worthwhile to say.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Poverty makes people sub-human Excess of wealth makes people inhuman

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Budget: a way of going broke methodically

I cannot say that I don't disagree with you.

My brother thinks he's a chicken-We don't talk him out of it because we need the eggs

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Don't let the fear of the thorn keep you from the rose.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

What have future generations ever done for us?

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

If you are not having fun you are doing something wrong.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Be open minded, but not so open minded that your brains fall out.