Jeff Foxworthy Quotes, Thoughts and Image

You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.

You might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.

I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead

You might be a redneck if going to the bathroom involves shoes and a flashlight.

Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same.

You might be a redneck if the UFO hotline limits you to one call a day.

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

If your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack, you might be a redneck.

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.

I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.

If you think 'loading the dishwasher' means 'getting your wife drunk', you might be a redneck

You might be a redneck if you see a sign that says Say No To Crack and it reminds you to pull your jeans up.

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they're gonna spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

If your biggest tax deduction was bail money, you might be a redneck.

If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.

When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, 'Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn.'

I hope someday we can stamp out illiteracy in America. Of course you'll have to kill alot of my relatives to do it.

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.

Nowadays you can't even spank your kids. No, gotta give 'em a time out. My dad would take time out of his busy day... to whip our ass.

You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!

Ladies have come up with all these expressions to reassure men. "Oh, honey, it's not the size of the ship, it's the motion of the ocean." That may be true, but it takes a long time to get to England in a rowboat.

Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.

You might be a redneck if you have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.

You don't get married to get sex. Getting married to get sex is like buying a 747 to get free peanuts.

I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.

If your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass, you might be a redneck.

You find out that all this stuff you've accumulated, you could care less about it. It's just the relationships that matter.

You might be a redneck if you work with a shirt off... and so does your husband.

If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.

You just may be a redneck if your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.

You might be a redneck if your momma calls you over to help, cause she has a flat tire on her house.

You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.

You might be a redneck if your mother has been involved in a fist fight at a high school sports event.