Johnny Carson Quotes

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.