Johnny Carson Quotes

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

Only lie about the future.

I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.