Johnny Carson Quotes, Thoughts and images

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

May you have the income of a Republican and the sex life of a Democrat!

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

I hear that whenever someone in the White House tells a lie, Nixon gets a royalty.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

I am taking the applause sign home, putting it in the bedroom.

I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

Happiness is being served with a paternity suit on your 75th birthday.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.

Only lie about the future.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.