W. C. Fields Quotes, Thoughts and images

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

I stay away from natural foods. At my age I need all the preservatives I can get.

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with the bull.

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and always carry a small snake.

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When life hands you lemons, make whisky sours.

Comedy is merely a tragedy happening to someone else.

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

I only drink to steady my nerves... sometimes I'm so steady I don't move for months.

I don't drink anymore, on the other hand, I don't drink any less either.

Trust everybody, but cut the cards yourself.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

I exercise strong self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

Some people are born losers, others acquire the knack gradually.

This job will drive me to drink, and for that reason, I will be eternally grateful.

Some things are better than sex, and some are worse, but there's nothing exactly like it.

There comes a time in the affairs of man when he must take the bull by the tail and face the situation.

A man without a woman is like a neck without pain.

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

The first prize was a week in Philadelphia. The second prize was two weeks.

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

Women are like elephants to me. I like to look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one.

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.

The clever cat eats cheese and breathes down rat holes with bated breath.

Anyone who hates children and animals can't be all bad.

Never give a sucker an even break.