Steven Wright Quotes, Thoughts and images

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word “lisp” to have an “s” in it?

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.

I'm addicted to placebos. I could quit, but it wouldn't matter.

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Someone asked me, if I were stranded on a desert island what book would I bring... 'How to Build a Boat.'

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

Some friends of mine got me a sweater for my birthday. I'd have preferred a moaner or a screamer, but the sweater was OK.